Speaking from an undisclosed location at the right hand of the Father, Jesus Christ is breaking his silence over the Evangelical Church’s attempts to hasten the Second Coming.
“The obsession is weird,” says Christ, from his place beyond space and time. “I specifically said ‘no one knows the day or the hour,’ so you can imagine my frustration when I see Evangelicals influencing world politics in order to kickstart a time in history they know nothing about. I mean, heck, I don’t even know when this is all going down,” Christ said, referencing Matthew 24:36.
According to Christ, the Evangelical infatuation with the second coming has made him feel largely ignored. “I had one of the prophets declare woe to those who long for the day of the Lord. I personally rebuked the disciples for wanting to call down fire and brimstone on the Samaritans,” a noticeably irritated Christ recounted from Amos 5:18 and Luke 9:54, “Meanwhile, Evangelicals are literally rooting for world wars and global plagues so long as it means my judgment happens ASAP. Like, read the room.”
Christ makes clear his love for Evangelicals is in no way lessened by their overactive eschatology, even if he is considering establishing personal boundaries. “It’s like, okay, imagine you tell your wife you’ll be home when you can, and then to get you home faster she burns down the city. On the one hand you’d obviously still love your wife, but on the other hand no one would fault you for thinking she’s absolutely psycho.”
When asked how he’d prefer Evangelicals conduct themselves while awaiting his return, Christ again insists he’s already covered that. “I distinctly remember using the analogy of servants waiting for their Master’s return. The servants are to wait patiently at their posts, tending to their duties. They are not supposed to elect people who will plunge the estate into chaos so the Master has to return and fix everything,” Christ said, in reference to Mark 13:32-37, continuing “So I guess, I don’t know, I’d rather Evangelicals just love their neighbors and live their lives.”
From his position where he can see all time in an instant, Christ admits he finds humor in the absurdity of Evangelical beliefs regarding the end times, despite his constant annoyance. “I guess the joke of it all is that their actions are based on theology less than 200 years old. So Evangelicals are really out here trying to alter the course of human history due to an ideology that was invented the same year as the lawn mower. If their actions weren’t causing real-world pain and suffering, you know, the whole thing would be hilarious.”
As for Christ’s own plans for Judgment Day, he’s not giving anything away. “I’m keeping that close to the chest for now. I will say there will be some surprises. And you can rest assured I will have words for the Evangelicals.”