La Mirada, California: Local man Brad Todd has come up with the most epic life hack! “I’ve started taking seminary classes instead of seeing a therapist,” Todd says, showcasing his absolute brilliance. “With how much therapy I need I am absolutely saving time and money by enrolling in a four-year seminary program.” Wow, efficient and thrifty!
Todd, now in his first year of classes at Talbot Theological Seminary, says his classes have already proven useful. “I’m learning a lot of practical tools like how to turn my emotional outbursts into sermon illustrations. You know, we all sometimes let the flesh get the better of us and punch holes in quarter-inch drywall. But God is always there to patch them for us, no questions asked. I think a lot of Christians these days are thirsty for that lack of divine accountability.” Genius!
Todd makes clear his unaddressed emotional turmoil has given him a wealth of examples to draw from. “Oh I’ve broken dishes, shattered a windshield with my fist, I even whipped a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme against the wall so hard it stuck there for three days before my wife finally cleaned it up. All of this makes for great sermon material.” You can’t learn that in therapy!
Always the romantic and champion of women, Todd will regularly include his wife in his illustrations. “One time I threw my bike across the garage in a fit of rage and my wife just rolled her eyes. I often use her as an example of a godly woman faithfully enduring her emotionally immature husband.” Omg, just when you thought this story couldn’t get any CUTER!
Todd says he most appreciates the personal insights he has gleaned from his professors, many of whom are themselves emotionally stunted pastors. “Apparently being open about a lack of emotional stability is a good way to let the congregation know you take your sin seriously, without any consequences like having to actually change your behavior. According to my professors, literally all you have to do is mention your anger problems in a sermon and people will think you’ve got it under control.” Todd adds, “you can even convince yourself!” How charmingly self-deceptive!
When asked what his family thinks of his galaxy-brain life hack, Todd says he feels generally supported. “My wife is just glad I’m getting out of the house, and I know my mother is proud. My father has never really acknowledged anything I do, but I’ve learned to compensate for that by constantly trying to please my heavenly Father. It seems to be working so far,” Todd said, before aggressively and abruptly ending the interview.