Brother Dan
Hell: A local rich man suffering everlasting torment for his failure to act charitably with his earthly wealth is now struggling to accept a gift of alcoholic seltzer from his former beggar.
“There’s this guy Lazarus who used to sit outside my mansion gates and beg for scraps of food. I never gave him anything, which is why I’m here and he’s in Heaven,” said the rich man, who requested to remain anonymous. “I asked him for a drop of water to cool my tongue, but what he gave me was an ice-cold Black Raspberry Truly Extra hard seltzer. On the one hand it’s like, wow, that’s more than I ever gave him so I have to be grateful, but on the other hand it’s like, what in the actual Hell am I supposed to do with this?”
Recognizing his greed in life leaves him in no position to be picky in death, the rich man nevertheless laments the alcoholic seltzer water essenced with black raspberries isn’t exactly helpful in his current situation. “Look, I know I’m spending eternity in conscious torment because I decided to hoard wealth and resources for myself instead of helping the poors when we were all alive, so beggars can’t be choosers, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am experiencing agonizing thirst and Trulys are undrinkable.”
The rich man admits that Lazarus’ offer caught him off guard, leaving him unsure how to respond. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Thank you, Lazarus, for this hard seltzer I don’t want. Sorry about all those times I could have used my obscene wealth to end your suffering in an instant but chose to ignore you. I guess this makes us even.’ Instead I just smiled and said something along the lines ‘oh, this works,’ and then had to reassure him that I was serious. The whole thing was awkward,” said the rich man, brushing flaming embers from his genitals.
When asked if the 8% alcohol content makes the Truly Extra more appealing than the regular 5% ABV Trulys, the suffering rich man says more alcohol may not be a good thing. “You’d think getting drunk in Hell would be awesome, but it honestly makes everything much, much worse. Seriously, you wouldn’t guess there’d be anything more miserable than God’s everlasting wrath poured out on the rich who refused to sell everything and give to the poor, but then imagine also being hungover.”
According to the rich man, whose sizzling flesh echoes the desperate pleas of the sick and afflicted, hangovers are a bit different in the realm of never-ending punishment. “I mean this is Hell, so even one drop of alcohol will leave you immediately hungover for a billion years. But then you gotta think about the fact that in this case it would be a hard seltzer hangover. Like, I get that I’m the bad guy for leaving Lazarus to suffer and die instead of sparing a fraction of my excessive riches to help him, but no one deserves that kind of misery.”
As for his plans of disposing of the Truly, the rich man has no intentions of letting it go to waste. “I offered it to Musk and Bezos but they were too busy being flayed alive by demons for the next fifty million years. I’ll see if the Zuck wants it after his acid bath.”
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